Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The post that nearly wasn't..

So after a large number of days here I are with a new post. I'm still wondering who reads this. Not many people I'm sure. Anyway! I bring thee, the people, news of mine life! Wasszaaaa karachiiiiiii (and beyonnnnd)....!!

Last Friday I happened to witness a performance by The Munchkins at the PACC. ADP was there too but sadly we got there too late. The show, horror of horrors, appeared to have started on time. Yes I too am still wondering about that. Anyway, the show was in a word, amazing. These guys have their act in tact ladies and germs. Their setlist included:

Led Zeppelin
Whole Lotta Love
Immigrant Song
Stairway to Heaven (merged into All Along the Watchtower, the Dave Mathhews Version, an idea I had independantly thought of a few days prior to this..now everyone'll think we stole it)

Rage Against the Machine
Testify (omg he played the cable-pulled-out-and-touching-metal solo!)
Sleep Now in the Fire

The Police
Message in a Bottle
Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

Jimi Hendrix

Pink Floyd
Wish You Were Here (Immu did some sweet keyboard-isms on this)
Comfortably Numb

Carlos Santana
Maria (Abbas Premjee displaying some serious acoustic chops)

Red Hot Chili Peppers (omg!)
Give It Away

New Year's Day

John Mayer
Waiting On the World to Change.

All of these were astonishingly good representations of the originals. Their vocalist is very very versatile and so is their guitar man. Bass is courtesy of Khalid of Aaroh fame and their drummer is the man himself, John Louis "Gumby" Pinto. Who is crazy. They brought in this keyboards and synthesizer dude who was really classy. He played nearly the entire Stairway to Heaven solo after the guitarist. Skillz major. I was sitting with an open mouth for nearly the entire show.

Obviously the performance drove a few points home...at home. All of us band people were there. Saad, Owais, Anes, me even Jazib who is ex-band. Yeah heh we crossed the ex member mark already. Anyway, it really put into perspective the whole 'how good are we?' issue.

As far as im concerned we arent nearly as good as we need to be. Sure The Munchkins weren't very physical, unlike ADP who have OBA jumping all over the place and Yasir bouncing in his chair and Ali Alam gets worked up too. But they didn't need to. Their vocalist carried it all with his banter and well..chops. I mean holy shit the man can sing. It's not easy to cover Robert Plant, Zack de la Rocha (no its not "just rap"), Sting, Bono, Anthony Keidis, Dave Gilmour and Dave Mathhews, let alone all in one go. He did it.

So we need a blend of all out going wild and having a strong frontman. Er, I say. Work is needed.

The recording demos idea is getting a bit more support. In fact it's nearly a done thing. All we need is to get a decent level of quality assurance and we'll get a handful of songs recorded as well as is possible in some home setup. Then the plan is to disseminate them then through our friends and the internets. Hopefully interest will be raised, fans will increase and gigs will be gained. Which will result in a cumulative effect. Hopefully. Currently we got this friend of a friend to try his hand at scratching together something workable for one of our covers.

That one.

And the next time I see OBA I shall the talks to him. Ain't no glass barriers where I'm coming from.

I heard this recently and I like it quite a bit. More so than the original even. It's on Use Your Illusion 2, by Guns N' Roses obviously.

If we could see tomorrow
What of your plans
No one can live in sorrow
Ask all your friends

Times that you took in stride, their
Back in demand
I was the one who's washing
Blood of your hands

Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

I know the things you wanted
They're not what you have
With all the people talkin'
It's driving you mad

If I was standing by you
How would you feel?
Knowing your love's decided
And all love is real

Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

I thought I could live in your world
As years all went by
With all the voices I've heard
Something has died

And when you're in need of someone
My heart won't deny you
So many seems so lonely
With no one left to cry to baby

And don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight, baby, maybe, someday
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Me a la xkcd!

This is a collection of parts of my personality, sense of humor and general accepted facts(possibly in my mind only) that I found on xkcd.com. You might have to click on some to see them clearly in larger resolution.

My hats are close to me. Very.

This is just stupid funny.

OMG so true! Now if this were ambient or house..

Happens to me more times I can remember. Wait..how do I know that then?

My awareness that I am not a child + silliness



I am not a ninja. Though I might be Batman.

The reason.

All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

cut and slash!

Waszaa!! The exams they are the overs! The great one is free! For a bit. Much has happened since my last post, oh minions of mine. Let us et on with it in earnest. I present to you, The Rant!

Car Troubles

If you've been following my posts, which you have (Imran :P); you'd remember that post the ADP and Z&H concert, my car broke down. Had quite a few issues with it. Well, turns out that wasn't the end of it. I had a faulty water body. I mean the car. Lol. Anyway, that's what they call the mechanism that pumps water around the engine to cool it and such, don't know if thats the correct name or not. Anyway, that thing developed a leak. A la Suzuki's ghatyaness. Stuff like that apparently shouldn't havent for many many year, let alone 2. Which is how old my car is. Less actually.

So that leaked which meant water was being lost much faster than is normal hence less to go around to cool the engine hence the car heating up. That led to the gasket, thing around the piston area, to deform due to abnormal temperatures caused by lack of cooling. That led to oil mixing into the water. Which led to the water getting hot quicker and staying hot longer since well, oil does that. So it was an issue that compounded upon itself. To get that fixed it cost me 3600. Cost extra since The AC managed to screw up during this period too, something to do with belts and what not.

After all that, the car begins to make this weird creaking sound whenever I turn left. After much confusion it was revealed that the carbon bushes, again I don't know what the real name is, were done for dude to..ahem..heavy handedness through potholes. Of which we have many. 300 more for parts and I dont know how much more for labour. The AC ran out of gas too. 1200 ki woh refill hogi. But this's the best part.

When I went to get the creaking issue checked, the mechanic dude decides he needs a test drive to further his diagnosis and what not. So we take a spin around the mohalla. On the way back, we stop at this T junction. We have to go left. This school bus has to come from that left and go right. We wait so that it can pass. Stupid son of a bitch makes a short turn and scrapes the side of my car! I mean WHAT THE HELL MAN!!? So we get out, yelling so that he stops (so that in my mind I could take his face and smash it into his bus). He comes around and lo and behold when i get there theres this 2 foot long scratch and a dent with about a 3 inch diameter. We talk to his contractor who readily agrees to pay up. Surprising to say the least. Anyway, I go back to the workshop, the bus leaves and things move on. The contractor says he'll show up on sunday at around 330 while on his way back home from somewhere.

He doesn't.

At 330 his phone's off.
At 4 his phone is at his house. His 3-4 year old daughter tells me dad's not home. I talk to the mum, she reiterates.
I call from another number. The daughter says "abbu woh kehrahe hain ammi se baat karaein". A-fkng-ha.

So anyway he didn't show up. Leaving me at a loss. Not really I'll badger him come tomorrow and if he doesnt show up i'll go to his house. Which might be a tad weird since one of my friends called him up and told his wife he'd show up with dudes in case the hubby keeps skirting. Lol. I hope this doesn't end with me dead.

I hate Pakistani drivers.

Oh yay it's Eid

Eid mubarak everyone. Hope it was fun. And fulfilling.

I hate Eid-ul-Azha. Absolutely despise it. Don't get me wrong it's not the point of it all. It's the way stuff happens over here.

The entire excitement about getting "jaanwars". The trips to the market. The arguments over price.

And then theres the purpose. The sacrifice. Call me a cynic but I don't see no sacrifice. I don't think people actually even care about the whole "giving back to society and those lesser in stature" angle. I don't think people consider the whole Ibrahim and his son relation. Oh no. All I hear is planning about daawats and barbecues and what not. I mean what the hell? Are we not a "poor" nation?? How on earth do people then manage to cough up the money to blow 10grand on a measly goat?? Around 40 on cows! I mean. If everyone is SO concerned about the poor, why don't they just split the money into the appropriate factors and give it away accordingly? I'm sure Allah wouldn't mind. But oh no. Theres the family name to think of. One's standing in society to consider. What will the children brag about with their screechy friends as they run around chasing the poor beasts, urging them to run and enjoy their last days before they become somebodys karhai/qorma/kabab/tikka/whatever.

And OMG the grossness. Is it just the ones I've seen or are all butchers exceptionally unclean? Blekh. Seriously.

And why do the poor animals have to be witness to the gore? I heard somewhere that's inhumae by Islamic standards and should be avoided. Yet I don't see that happening. Also, if everyone's doing it for the religion, then surely such rigour should be reflected in other Islamic avenues too? All the people neck deep in cow intestines should be the absolute personication of piety.

Believe me it is not so.
And don't talk to me about exceptions.


The attacks in Mumbai. Last week's news. A thousand Indian security personnel being given the run around by what, 35 terrorists? As a friend said, respect man. Lets focus on stuff after that.

The English cricket team. They scarpered as soon as the shit went down. But now they're back. Everyone's refused to come to Pakistan. But they go back to India just days after an attack where around 200 people died in RANDOM killings. They've been offered protection by the best trained Indian security teams see. The same teams who got their collective ass whooped by 35 twenty-somethings.

And speaking of us, we initially deny any involvement and knowledge; but in less than a week two "suspects" are arrested. Who we refuse to hand over. Why the hell did we grab them then? WE are going to interrogate them then "share" our findings? Who the hell cares for that? I feel it's all a publicity stunt to show that we're going our bit. Obviously I am no authority but ah what the who.

Flam! and music in general

Recently, after going through some weird personal shit, I decided to look up the blues. In particular I began listening to this one song, Ain't No Sunshine as done by Buddy Guy and Tracy Chapman. Originally I think by Marvin Gaye, that song is really really nice. Had the feeling I needed if not necessarily the context. This lead to a youtube quest regarding Buddy Guy and the blooz in general and boy oh boy did I get results.

This song has particularly grown on me. And since I really like Chicago too, it's all the better for it.

This jam is just crazy. Eric clapton a lot younger than in the previous video and these two just burn up the notes.

Also, I rediscovered the Norwegian Recycling outfit. I think it's just one guy who does it all. What he does is take a number of songs and mash them up. Creating this totally new song that is really really cool, more so if the songs are familiar.

This is a mashup of:

1. Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
2. Ben E. King - Stand By Me
3. Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
4. Alice Deejay - Back In My Life
5. Beverly Hills 90210 - Opening Theme
6. Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans &112 - I'll Be Missing You

The video further accentuates the overall scenario.

Finally I come to Flam!. Yeah the exclimanation mark is part of the name. Saad(guitars) and I are at a stalemate in our argument about what to do regarding the band in the immediate future.
I say we should get stuff recorded so that we may circulate it to potential supporters via the net. Saad does not agree. He is of the opinion that proper recording should not be considered till we have the money to get it done where live drums may be incorporated instead of loops. That costs a substantial bit more. While I'm all for the live drums idea my main issue is that to get that kind of money a lot of time well be needed, time that will be wasted otherwise since procrastination is something we're so good at it could very well be another genre. Not that we're good at the genres we relate to heh. He says we should make unplugged versions of our songs, record them khudse and use those as marketing tools. In the meantime we should concentrate on gigs. Since they are few and far between in the coming, we should organize our own concert. A valid idea but unplugged songs take away the relation factor and people who listen to them won't recognise them if and when they like them enough to show up at one of our shows. Though the gig factor must be pursued. I wonder how we're going to get sponsors. Does anyone know anyone who could help?

This is when I wish a lot of people read my bloj.

There’s a woman crying out tonight
Her world has changed
She asks God why
Her only son has died
And now her daughter cries
She can’t sleep at night

Downtown another day for all the suits and ties
Another war to fight
There’s no regard for life
How do they sleep at night
How can we make things right
Just wanna make this right

We believe
In this love

So this world is too much for you to take
Just lay it down and follow me
I’ll be everything you need
In everyway

We believe
In this love

Monday, December 8, 2008

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

the long friday, a starman graphic novel.

Post. Hmm. I wonder if blog entries may be qualified as posts. Further research needed. Anyway, it seems I have found time to post another entry. Once again I am wondering why I bother. It's not like anyone is going to read it. "not yet" is all I have as consolation.

I have been away, my imaginary followers, for I am busy. Busy with studies! Yes I, rockstar-to-be extraodinaire, also study. Tis the bane of this youth of mine. Speaking of which, I've noticed I feel rather old compared to the young and happy folk I happen to see all too much nowadays. Ah..I feel a rant building up.

ADP, Z&H and Ego.

Friday the...umm...ah 28th. Aunty Disco Project and Zeb and Haniya are scheduled to perform at The Forum( a mall in Karachi for my international followers). I hear about it on the radio. CityFM89 to be precise. Guess what? It's free!! HOLY SHIT FREE!!! Petrol cost 27 bucks a litre when I arrived in this country. It's been upto 84 recently. A medium sized loaf of sliced bread was for 12. Now I think it's 30. Imagine what a step forward, or well maybe backward, a free concert is!

ADP is one of my favourite favourite current Pakistani bands. I'll post a video or two of theirs in this post chalo. Anyway, these guys are insane. Plus they're regular dudes. No bullshit. all about the music. They have regular jobs too! Which makes them all the more appealing to me since they represent the possibility factor of my rockstar aspirations. Though I would readily give up a regular job for a life as a hugeass rockstar but at the very least I'd like to be a moderately huge rockstar if I have to have a dayjob too. Anyway! So um...yeah! They put on a kickass show too! Lots and lots of energy, jumping around and what not, OBA is really good as frontman and Yasir adding that special flavour with his darbuka chops and holyshit OK is like our David Grohl(very very high praise if you are an ignoramus)!!

Zeb and Haniya are also pretty respected in my bands-I-am-a-fan-of list but since I have yet to give their album a proper listen, I was mainly concerned with ADP.

All in all I was pretty psyched about going, and despite the fact that I had exams looming over me head, due in less than 5 days after the concert; I planned to go. I mean come on! Plus since it was on a Friday, there was no risk of The Forums "family day" bullshit which, like is common in our hypocritical nation, mean you cant get in unless you have a "female" with you. "femail" in some places. Or a toddler. Do not think you and your 3 "mail" cousins may enter. Oh no no no, you are not the kind of family that counts. Apparently it has something to do with rowdyism, lecherism, ogling hotties(yeah that's sexist whatever, screw you!) and generally being douches(don't see you resenting that now, do I?).

So I grab Ali Murtaza and the Bilalman and reach The Forum bang on time at 530. Oh hey everything's set up, cool! Lets go lets go..."Sorry sir, families only hai aaj"...."(wtf) friday ko bhi..?"..."jee sir *greasy smile*".

At this point, an appropriate catchphrase to sum up my insanely foul mood would be "HULK F*CKNG SMASH!!!". All I bloody wanted was to show up at a show, with a couple of friends and have a good time and leave. Thats Fcking it! But no! Since our illiterate and unexposed nation is permeated with bloody asshole MAILAS who's idea of a good time comprises of taking pictures without consent and passing comments and general douchebaggery and since like our fckng police our security culture is to try and make the problem just go away without having to actually do anything about it, our people erect these hypocritical, discriminatory FAMILIES ONLY signs that suggest that if you don't have the appropriate amount of Y chromosomes in your immediate vicinity or preferably in you, youre a maila too! This is actually a ploy to hide the fact that any security apparatus erected is a sham and just window dressing. What's the bloody point of SECURITY if you can't fckng SECURE even the will to carry out your own objectives!?

We stayed around for a bit, tried to call in any people who could either bring "family" or be our "family" but to no avail. Some unknown younger brother-elder brother kept Bilal from contacting his elder brother Mikaal and asking him to help us out. He did however mention the situation to his mum when he called to see if he could wrangle his actual family(the kind thats real!) to come and in doing so get us in. That didn't work exactly as planned but it did. When we reached Bilal's house after giving up hope, we found that Mikaal had left and would get us in. By then I was thoroughly depressed, but my spirits slowly began to rise as we returned to the forum and lo and behold! Where there were 3 dudes, now there were 4! But we got in because we had a "family" member with us. Hurray for hypocrisy. Asswipes.

It was 630 when we got in and thankfully, ADP started just as we got in. Yay! Being vertically challenged, I had difficulty seeing over the heads of everyone in front of me. Since my compadres weren't as excited about the deal as I was, I made my way alone to the front...um..row. If you could call it that.

That's Imran Lodhi on bass btw. He's left, it's Ali alam now he's not in this video.

Once again, ADP were INSANE! OBA and Ali Alam were jumping so hard I thought the stage would collapse! OKs skinbeating was so furious the kit was vibrating to no end and Yasir was well...show stealing intermittently like he does. It seemed like this was the show. This was the headline. No one was waiting for Zeb and Haniya it seemed. I wasn't at least.
An eventful moment came in the form of OBA suddenly throwing down his guitar at some interruption and storming to the side to have what he surely wanted to be a heated conversation but it turned out to be a sheepish one as he, sheepishly, came to the mic and announced they would be taking an Azaan break.
They came back in a bit, continued their set and ended loud. Ali Alam took over guitar and vocal duties in between, that was tightness too. Then everyone left so that OBA could do Nazar solo. That didn't really work well due to the hustle and bustle of the environment. An issue that affected the response Z&H generated as well, but I'll get to that in a bit. They also debuted a new song which wasn't totally new but ah well, not everybody's as fan as me! Which isn't much either but over there I was hardcore baby!!

Z&H were up next. We finally discovered that out of the two the guitar player is Haniya and the only vocals madame is Zeb. Haniya had done something to her ankle and was thus sitting down. Their band was the dudes from Co-ven minus Omran. Heck if Omran'd shown up all my dreams would've come true. For just that night and that concert I mean.
So yeah, Sameer is a good bassist and I happen to adore his guitar, Sikandar Mufti is ace drumwise and lol, Humza Jafri is a Talibani. No he isn't but he has the requisite beard. It's more than a foot long! And omg! His guitar his a movable pickup! Instead of multiple pickups and selectors for them, the pickup itself moves! Amazing!

Initially Humza's back was turned to the audience for a couple of songs. Eventually he turned forward. Their show wasn't really wild and crazy, stark contrast to the ADP show but then, it wasn't supposed to be. This wasn't ADP this was Z&H, cool female bluesy folky singers from up north. They did what they do and they did it well. Although I felt their laidback vibe and softer music didn't really work well in attracting people in such a busy environment. A mall is a place where I can now safely assume you need to be loud to be noticed. Lots of requests were being shouted out and they played all their big songs; Aitebaar, Chup, Rona Chhor Diya etc. They even played a stripped down version of Paimana Bitte, on rampant request even though it wasn't part of their setlist.

They were giving out free tshirts too of that very show. But only to the frontmost of the front rows. That too only the girls. Who didn't even want them! Ugh! Discrimination strikes again!

It ended at that. I caught up with Yasir post-show and asked him what we(Flam!) needed to do to be able to play with ADP. He gave me the basic version, stuff that I already knew. get a sponsor, arrange a show etc. Couldn't really work up the courage to ask him if they had any shows coming up where they'd be willing to let us open. And then we left. But the night was not over. Oh no.

The Perilous Journey Home!
En route to Bilal's we stopped at Jeddah Haleem Center near the former Schon Circle in the Mottas area for shawarmas. After that, we'd just u-turned and were on our way towards Teen Talwar when on the turn above the underpass my car which was already out of gas, ran out of petrol as well. A situation I'd been dreading for a few days now since I'd been conducting mileage experiments on gas and had regularly been using up my petrol reserve without remembering to fill it up again. Darkie and Bilal got out and pushed but progress was slow. Very slow. Fortunately a petrol station was closeby but at the pace we were moving I had to get out too and push which somehow drastically improved progress.

As we reached the pump a passerby pointed out that my rear passenger side tire was punctured too. I had not noticed that, till then. I got fuel then turned to the corner where there was a tire shop. Got the tire fixed there. Then sped off to Bilals to drop him. and sped on towards my house. I had gotten barely half a kilometre away when I noticed my engine was heating up to unGodly levels The needle was ABOVE the H symbol! Itsa gonna blow!! I stopped quickly to the side and called Bilal and told him to bring me water to put in. Our inexperience in the matter and stories we'd heard about similar situations led me and Darkie to be overaly cautious when opening the radiator cap to put in water. The one bottle I did have with me I expended splashing all over the place, causing much steam to rise. The place was dark. Really dark. Mobile snatcher dark. Thankfully none came and eventually we got it open and by then Bilal showed up too. Filling up the water, I dropped him back to his house and left with Darkie once again. Thankfully I got home without the car acting up again. Though it did in the subsequent days and the effects of that incident have cost me 3300 bucks so far. Add the tire, shawarma and the fuel charges to that and we come to the grand figure of 3700.

Free concert? Alas, it did not prove to be.

Been down so long, getting up didn't cross my mind,
I knew there was a better way of life that I was just trying to find.
You don't know what you'll do until you're put under pressure,
Across 110th Street is a hell of a tester.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

PhUnNy $tUfFszxXsz!! lolxxx lmao rotf...oh you get it.

hello vapid followers! If anyone at all is wondering why I'm not posting well...I'm busy. Yeah. That's all the explanation you'll get so take it sucka!

In the meantime, I looking to free up space on my measly 40 gig hard drive and found some actually funny, probably forwarded stuff that I thought I should post in lieu of an actual rant.

9 Things I hate About People:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Did You Know?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

Random Joke:

All the parts of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge" said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge" said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge" said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story...the asshole is usually in charge.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In"

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your sentences with " Accordance With The Prophecy"

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go"

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,"Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go"

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This Message To Someone To Make Them Smile...It's Called Therapy.

I told you they were forwards.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone,

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone,

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Traffic and driving in Karachi; the Ali approach.

Hello again rabid followers. I see you have yet to receive your shots. Bartender..

Ha Ha, yes that was indeed a pune.

Today's rant shall be about traffic in Karachi. How it sucks to high heaven. How shit brained motorcycle dudes do whatever the fk they want to and if antyhing happens to them it's always the gari walas fault. I mean what the hell!? A few days ago, traffic was really slow opposite my complex thingy. Cars stopped or moving real slow and what not. The whole nine yards. Out of nowhere, this motorcycle comes streaking in and around cars at around 45kmph. In out left right you name it he did it. Up ahead, on the left side of the road obviously...well not obviously, a bus had stopped(a rare occurence in karachi) to pick up some people. Motorcylce dude miscalculated his last swerve, his bike caught the end of the bus and stopped. He though, went flying on.

Ah, satisfaction.

Oh look some upstanding city folk coming to tell him off and that he got what he deserved..what...why're you helping him?? Is he alright?? Screw him! What if that was a person he'd plowed into?!? Oh please. Sigh.

Moving on. With hate.

I drive fast. Not crazy fast. More like 80-is-my-zone fast. I indicate, stick to the appropriate lanes, over-take from the correct side(the right the right!) and generally am not a douche with wheels. Nothing up there that says other people aren't, is there? Hmm nope. Cuz they are. Faggots.

One of the finer representatives of shit drivers are those who are FoB. Fresh off the Bus. I.e. theyve just moved to the city. Most of them can not read, let alone write. But somehow, they are considered fit for driving. Surely they must start off small, yes?


Besides the few who putter around in those small pickups known only by the manufacturer's name, most of the others get the big stuff. Buses, tractors, trucks and lorries. Take that and apply the law of the jungle and you have some scrap metal fun. I've had quite a few brushes with these 4-6 wheeler death dealers of my own. The most recent I will illustrate.

This happens at the Karsaz Rd and Dalmia traffic intersection, for those familiar. I am going from clifton to Gulistan-e-Johar and hence from Karsaz onto Dalmia.

This is me waiting at the signal. Starting line. Pole position. Everyone around me, get ready to eat my dust.

As you can see, my signal is red. That is all that is keeping me motion-less. If you forget about all the jumping-around-to-the-radio that goes on inside the car.

Okay one signal down, one to go! I know when these guys are done, it's me! Haha! Oh hey wait...that means when they're on Yellow..I am too...I can blast-off early...

Haha! I was right! We are yellow simulataneously! Eat burnt rubber suckahzxxzzszz!!

Oh...what is that I see out of the corner of my eye....


*our protagonist has not yet seen that there is not one, but two tractors. this corner-of-the-eye business is very overrated. let us zoom in a bit so that we may see what unfolds more clearly*


*our story continues at roughly 50kmph which, considering the proximity of the involved bodies, is pretty damn fast*

I'll only have one shot at this. I must brake hard, but not too hard, swerve to the left madly so that im clear of the first tractor and out before the 2nd one slams into me..HOLY STUPID MOVES, THE SECOND DUDE LET GO OFF THE WHEEL, WHY THE HELL ARE BOTH HIS HANDS UP IN THE AIR!?!

Bloody hell that was close.

Nobody gonna take my car
Im gonna race it to the ground
Nobody gonna beat my car
Its gonna break the speed of sound
Oooh its a killing machine
Its got everything
Like a driving power big
Fat tyres and everything

I wish, alas.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

the rockiad

so yeah since I have this bloj and love talking about me we return to the rockiad! The story of me! Lessee where'd i leave off...umm..

Ah! I had to be a bassist.

So I put the idea before my handlers(parents). I had the dough, thanks to grants received from various relatives due to le O leveles(did good there) and all I needed was permission. Why I needed permission to use my own money was a shitty reality of my existance then. The situation is a bit different now since I don't have any money to spend.

Anyway! To get permission, I had to get into LUMS. Hah! I got in while my A level exams were ongoing. The fact that I'd screwed them and in fact would not be going to LUMS was a matter no one could have predicted.

So I got the bass and a crappy little Yamaha amplifier. Initial stuff was simple. Feel Good Inc. by the Gorillaz, Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes etc. Saad Khaleel and Naeem Khan, a couple of friends going back to me O level days, which weren't that long ago then, and Anes Jaleel, a new acquaintance brought around by Babar; used to jam in those days. I used to loan my bass to them since I couldn't okay much then. Anes sang, Saad played the geetar and Naeem alternated between the geetar and bass.

For the first year of my bass posession, I didn't play much. Though I did play my first gig. At the City School Gulshan A levels Farewell 2006. The batch after ours. It was an absolute disaster. We had three songs; Sweet Child o' Mine, With or Without You and Lamhey by Jal which we planned to pull a 'feat.' with a junior and ask him to sing. Anes wasn't in this gig for whatever reason.

Sweet Child o' Mine started wrong. Saad's, who was singing, voice got stuck in his throat at the start and he choked off. We crashed to a halt, citing 'technical difficulties'. We moved on directly to the solo and since neither Naeem nor I knew shit about scales and what not, nor were we skilled enough to cope; we were all over the place. Naveed, another friend along as our 'manager', kept telling us how much time we had left. Every thirty seconds. Which didn't help with the pressure. I an attempt to save our sinking ship we called Zain Kazmi up to sing Lamhey. That went passably well apart from the fact that Zain sang along to a metronome in his head and Naeem's guitar fell of the strap mid-song forcing Naeem to sit at the edge of the stage, legs dangling; and play, prompting another junior to suggest he let him join in if he was messing around just for fun.

Hilariously, we ended that song big. Saad on his knees strumming furiously, me slapping the hell out of my bass and Naeem....well he was still sitting, oblovious of the wannabe-rocker hell we were raising behind him.

And then we were shut down. Our ex-principal told us to get off her stage despite the fact, as Naveed reminded us; that we had 7 minutes remaining. With or Without You got canned as a result and Saad collapsed backstage or rather sidestage, moaning over and over 'yaaaar, kitnaa fuck kardia yaaar shit yaaaar'.

Though the audience loved it. Weird. People really usually don't know shit.

More next time on the amazing Wannabe Rockiad!

Well Sometimes I Go Out,
By Myself,
And I Look Across The Water.

And I Think Of All The Things,
Of What You're Doing,
And in my head I Paint A Picture.

'Cause since I've Come Home,
Well My Body's Been A Mess,
And I Miss Your ginger Hair,
And The Way You Like To Dress.

Oh Won't You Come On Over,
Stop Making A Fool Out Of Me,
Why Dont You Come On Over,

Friday, November 14, 2008


i have my own ZOSO logo! yes yes the image you see as my header and footer (new terms for me) has been put together by the zain man. Looks pretty cool. Thanks dude the Ali owes you.

gossiping manbitches, parenthesis explanations and acronyms.

Our story begins in a little known area of the sprawling metropolis of Karachi, an area known as Buthyland(Bath Island). There is an educational institute here, one quite famous in the circles it is known in. Its name is CAMS(no im not telling you what that stands for). In it we find the protagonists of our story, Amir Bilal and Ali Hasan(names should have been changed but we had budget cuts) and in September 2007, the aforementioned duo came created a plan. A plan to partay. A plan to go to LUMUN(Lahore University Model United Nations).

Since ACCA is a shitty educational option if you plan to party due to its similarities with private O and A levels study schemes i.e. no regular attendance mandatory(hence no unavoidable interaction with other people hence many barriers in socializing and hence creating opportunities to partay! woohoo! yeah bab...); CAMS did not really arrange many extra curricular activities. The few that were organized were mainly due to student initiatives. This was known to our heroes(:P) but what they did not expect was that when they reached the "student counsellor"(pfft!), she would have in her drawer a 2 month old invitation from the organizers of LUMUN! Which they never did anything about! What treachery was this?! Wilfull subversion of extracurricular opportunities?? A dastardly move! Undeterred, Bilal and Ali presented their case and proposed that if they could get the students and handle all the communication and pay for everything(the above mentioned ACCA plague gave CAMS all the excuses they needed to be cheap bastards); they should be allowed to go. CAMS, having very little liability, agreed.

fast forward selectah!

Ali and Bilal gather dudes and dudettes to go.
Ali and Bilal communicate with LUMUN people. Country is Jordan.
Ali and Bilal arrange outifts representative of Jordan(more or less)
Ali and Bilal leave and arrive a day early and Lahore, discover logistical shit at the hotel and sort it out asap.

(thats us with the original Fidel Castro at the Global Village. The one in Cuba was a double. Bilal's been thru India as you can see)
Ali and Bilal do the drill; committees resolutions etc.
Ali and Bilal manage nearly everything since the head delegate was a worthless ass.
Ali and Bilal stay in LUMS quite late, working on ...work..and radiocabbinb back to the hotel.
Ali and Bilal stay in lahore 2 days after the MUN is over.
Ali and Bilal return to Karachi, determined to return for LUMUN 08.

warp speed to september 08!

Ali and Bilal keep up rapport with CAMS' "student coordinator" and plan LUMUN 08.
Ali and Bilal attend LUMUN training session at the most desolately located beaconhouse in the damn world!
Ali and Bilal plan with "student coordinator" how to attract team members, which type of students to attract etc etc.
Ali and Bilal find out they're not on the team.


I know right!? It turns out some manbitches on the team were green in the ass about our staying in LUMS late while they went to the hotel on the arranged shuttles. I mean wtf ass, if you wanted to stay you could've?!? They thought we were partying our asses off. The 2 extra days we spent in Lahore further proved their hypothesis in their minds. They also went and told the shit-for-brains "coordinator". Who created a mental image of us being drunk, crazy, wet tshir...crazy dudes who just wanted to go to party. And she screwd us out of the team. With a shit excuse so riddled with truth-piercing bullet holes that we saw right through it from the start. I mean what the hell! We do ALL the work and just cuz we dont gossip and suck up at will means this is what we get?!?

Welcome to Pakistan and politics for nobody, Ali and Bilal.
Hadd hogayi.

Screw this shit im going to LUMS next year for my MBA and so help me I will BE LUMUN!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

a whisper in the wind

Holy shit! It's cold! Well...sort've...colder if you must.

FINALLY the weather begins to back off. After weeks of listening to Owais Malik, on CityFM89's GenerationX, go on and on about how in Islamabad people have started to bring out their jackets and people messaging in telling him and everyone how Lahore is cooling down; Karachi is catching up bitches!

I love winter. Absolutely positively adore it. I like wearing lots of clothes and well not really wanting to rip everything off and run around naked and still feel like I'm being broiled on a slow flame with a dash of garlic. Which is all one could possibly do in winter, right? Well yeah, maybe. But then in winter you can go out to your local Agha Juice shop, which is the franchise that wasn't since well a million shops have that name and i don't think any is linked to another. Their coffee is cheap, not all that good and yet seems to be exquisite as you sit on the roadside and slurp from their probably unsanitary crockery. Dirty cups I mean. Heehee suggestivepana.

Oh and in winters I bring out me badass leather jacket. Which is badass since it makes me look badass. Though technically I am not badass. I am a boringass. Also a shortass. At times i suppose lameass and dumbass would also qualify, depending on the bases of your ass-essment ofcourse. Yes. That was a pune.

I also grow a beard. Which makes me look even more badass. Think...daaku. Yes. That badass. If it wern't for the shortass I would be badass I believe. Haye.

See? I told you. Though now that I focus, I dont look that badass. No matter. Will prove that I too can look like a daaku this time round. Thats the jacket by the way.

Also oh shit wait I found it!


That's from one of the times Darkie(brother in stupid shit extroadinaire), Shani(balochi vadere ki aulaad in disguise, also a SSUETy :P) and I hungout. We went to Hotspot and stuff random timewasting ensued falana dhamaka. We also made a video, which is kind've the only reason I wrote all of the above. Yup. Wasted your time, Mr.Nobody. You're my only fan. So here goes.

Lol. That was lame. Anyway, I must dig up stuff to write upon and how to attract readers. Iz part of plan. Oh hey must also continue my mythos about me! Hmm!

ah screw it

I like green. That's what my font colour will be. Screw anyone who disagrees. have a problem with that? Talk to my agent.

*Would've been cooler had he been the same green :(

jamshed; we have a problem..

Anyone who's wondering what's up with the colour changes with the posts firstly, OMG readers! and secondly I'm at odds with the fact that the colours that affect the overall settings do not have retrospective effect when you select them and that the posting options do not have the same colours as the overall settings do! What the hell! So anyway, yeah.

Star Log No. 35

We've been drifting in deep space for many weeks now. Our food supply is running low. The warp drives are in need of repair and we do not have the necessary parts. Ironically if the drives were working we would have been able to acquire the hardware required.

Damn chicken egg situations.

Recently one of the crew questioned the purpose of maintaining this journal which led me to question my own motives. Since I don't think we'll be making it back to Earth x07, the book deal with JarJaramount is off for all intents and purposes. That sucks. I really wanted that to go through and possibly turn into a film adaptation. No matter. It's their loss. ZOMG! Space monkeys are attacking!

That is what is called a hatchet job. A result of my own minisicule attention span which is only extended if there's something really cool going on. That^ wasnt it.

But no seriously. Why do I even have a blog. I suppose in my mind I relate it to the dream. If you don't know what I'm talking about then read the darn description thingy under the main title thingy. Articulate, I am not.

How does this factor in? I dunno, I have this vague plan of somehow making this blog really popular. So that I get popular. So that people know about me and my music(which I will have by then) and that incrementally will affect my fame. Very idealistic and shallow, I know. But it does seem like a good idea. Anyway, lets see how this works out.

Areas part of plan to rule the wor...music world. Ahem.

My blog
My Youtube
My radio show (do not have this yet, need to work on it asap!)
A TV show...maybe..not really a priority.

All of the above are ofcourse, apart from the music itself.

Speaking of music, I'd been listening to these two songs on the radio quite a bit and thought i should post them. Really opening up non-guitar music avenues in my mind.

Oh wait, have to see how to post youtube stuff here.

Ugh crap. Embedding disabled videos. Stupidass people. Anyway here're the links.

Madcon's Beggin' (really dig the drums in this)

Mgmt's Electric Feel (very nice vibe)

All along the eastern shore,
put your circuits in the sea

This is what the world is for,
making electricity

You can feel it in your mind
Oh you can do it all the time
Plug it in and change the world
You are my electric girl

Ooh girl,
shock me like an electric eel

Baby girl,
turn me on with your electric feel

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

McDonalds. metal (un)detectors and bond...james bond..

Aao Jiggy hojaen.

Famous last words.

So anyway! I go with me buddy Bilal the Doggy, no idea why he's called that...by just one person, to study and shit cuz we have exams in the beginning of December. Different exams but I go anyway. I can leave the house, drive (which I happen to like) and hang out with somebody who isn't an idiot. Though I suppose other people would call us idiots if they heard the stuff we say and laugh at.

But i digest.

On weekdays, we go to the McDonalds at Seaview to study. Every weekend our relationship with them takes a downward swing. The fact that single dudes aren't allowed has nothing to do with this. We go there cuz we dont mind the chaos, they have tables at the appropriate height and cheap yet effective cappucinos. Which we are now addicted on since we've been doing this for around 3 weeks. We don't accomplish much in the 2 hours that we're there but if were the kind to think about stuff like that we would've been done with our respective ACCAs.

At McDonalds, there is a pair of statues of the man, Ronald McDonald on a pair of benches. Yes one on each. It appears that this seems to form a 'mortal enemy' image in the minds of all children of all nationalities, i.e. Pakistani and Korean. Children will climb on the benches and inflict their best attempts at a smackdown on the figures. They will slap his face, kick him in the ribs and punch his neck. I have seen this many a time.

Also, they have metal detectors. Which do nothing of the sort. Usually the guard standing besides them(guarding the detector I suppose) asks us to deposit our keys and cellphones in this tray besides the contraption while we walk through so that the arsenal we carry upon ourselves is revealed. But they never beep. Even WITH the cellphones and keys they dont beep. WHY HASNT McDONALDS NOT BEEN BLOWN UP YET?! PROOF THAT PAKISTANIS ARE NOT TERRORISTS!!

They also have metal detectors at our single cineplex. I happend to walk through them today when I went to book seats for Quantum of Solace. With everything in my pockets. The thing went nuts. It's beeping made nearly eeryone turn around and look and I could hear their thoughts as they said "OMG, Mullah Omar!......I bet he's here for Dostana..."

Curiously, the FOUR rent-a-cops besides this device didn't appear to give a shit. Or maybe i was walking so fast they thought if they did try to stop me I really would blow up.

I don't need no consolation,
I dont want no reservation.
I only got one destination and that's your dirty love,
Your dirty love.

Monday, November 10, 2008


Weird how i become that which i so oppose.
Weird how i can not bring myself back from the edges.
This is pretty cool.
Makes things look all poem-y.

I wonder if that hyphen was entirely necessary.
Would you have understood what i meant regardless?

Oh so hey! Road to Rockstardom!
Oh wait, have to stop writing like this.

Yeah so, the prologue to my ongoing story!
I want to be a rockstar! Yes you know this. You've probably read the stuff written under the title. How do i plan to do this? I'm not really sure about that so we'll muse on that later. For now i'll just update y'all on what I've done about this aim till now.

I PLAY BASS!! Mediocrly well. Im not sure if that's the correct spelling. Why do YOU care? Yeah so bass.

The dream started around....umm...nearly 4 years ago. I was in my final year of A levels and my friend had just bought a guitar. Jal had just released their album and I liked Linkin Park. Jal was easy enough to cover so my friend did. Thsi, and the fact that Jal was made up people slightly older than us opened my eyes to a possibility that music isn't really the dead end people who talked about my career around and sometimes to me, made it seem. All of a sudden at the Eid party an underground band showed up, since one of my juniors was a drummer, in that band as we discovered.

Guns 'n Roses, Velvet Revolver, Metallica, Mizraab and Dream Theater followed in my maddened newfound addiction with guitar music. I had to be a guitarist. I had to be amazingly cool. I had to inspire people to reach orgasmic highs by my music.

I had to be Slash.


And then i heard Can't Stop by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Liked it quite a bit. Quite a few days later, a couple of months i believe, randomly walked into Music City(a CD store) and saw a copy of their greatest hits lying there. Since I'd liked Cant Stop i thought I should buy it, though the song wasn't on it and none of the songs that were were familiar to me. Went home. Popped it in. Was blown away. Far far away. I had never heard such music before. Note that the profoundness of the experience will probably not be replicated with anyone else since this was most probably due to my extreme lack of musical experience till that point. Never had I heard such restrained yet crazy drumming. The guitars were not restrained to the usual genre boundaries I'd been exposed to. The vocals were fast, slow, loud, soft and everything in between. And then there was the bass. Flea in my eyes was the end. The end, though temporary, of my dreams till that point. For now, after listening to the album i recorded 43 times; I had a new dream.

I was going to be a bassist.


Sunday, November 9, 2008

*deep breath*

okay. i have a blog. this is slightly scary. i dont know what i'm supposed to write here. will anyone even read this, i wonder. i suppose there is you....thank you? okay whatever this is lame. there is a purpose. a meaning to this blog. a reason why i need this and maybe why someday it'l be worth something. read the description. when all is said and done, i will be huge. ginormous. bigger than atif -_- ... or well comparable..hopefully.

since stuff doesn't really happen on a day to day basis i suppose in the days to come i will dwell on the past a bit more than the present. set up a prologue, as it were, for this tale of mine. wait, and you might receive. we aren't really sure. anyway. i am ali. hear me snore.